Tuesday, April 3, 2007

The key to success...

Is a great handshake. Also an interesting release from Kellogg.

Along those same lines, yesterday I came into the office for about an hour and a half for the sole purpose of mixing it up a little for April Fool's Day. There is one particular attorney with whom I share a wall... well, words cannot fully capture him, but I will certainly try.

Our office dress can loosely be described as business casual. This means I always wear "slacks" of some kind, but often with a sweater, and we get away with a wide variety of skirts and attire that is otherwise generally outside the realm of business casual during the summer. Luckily neither of the partners (men in their 50s) have female children and it makes them uncomfortable to discuss women's clothing. They do not even attempt to regulate, bless them.

Anyways, back to my buddy next door. This individual takes business casual to mean he can wear corduroys that are so tight they distinctly ride up his rear. He wears polo shirts all year round, sometimes with rolled sleeves (this individual was possibly cool in the 80s) but almost always frayed and grimy, with clogs. Black clogs. Usually with white socks. He has the Where's Waldo shirt. When he dresses up he wears a bowtie. He wears aviator sunglasses. No matter how many times he insists they are "back in" his were clearly manufactured in the 80s and are blue tinted. He has a hairdo that can only be described as a mullet-in-training.

My neighbor subsists mostly on a diet of fruits and berries with a bit of salmon for lunch. He flosses in his office and often changes pants there too. He closes the door and turns the lights out, but given the fact that the rest of the office is lighted and there is a floor to ceiling window into his office that is three times the size of the door, one too many of my coworkers have been left with horrible memories.

On top of all his personal weirdness he is the most poorly organized attorney in the office. His favorite pastime is to buzz legal assistants (i.e. use the intercom) and say "So... that case... the one you need to work on" or "Can you believe this guy? I mean what an ugly wife he has!" or (at 3:45 when files have to be to the secretaries by 4) "I noticed this filing has to be done today. Where are we with that?" His big thing is to use the phrase "we." He takes zero personal responsibility for anything in the office and refuses to recognize what a pain in the butt his constant buzzing is.

Yesterday I came into the office with a screwdriver and the intent of disassembling his phone and removing the offending intercom button. Unfortunately, I would've had to take a knife to the phone, as half the phone pad was manufactured into one piece. Instead I had to content myself with removing the button cover and writing the words "DO NOT USE" in tiny little letter on the button. I turned down all the different volumes on his phone and also hid his clogs in our boss' office.

Once I got started I had to mess with the rest of the office. Mostly I just moved everyone's stuff around ever so slightly so when they sat down at their desk they would be uncomfortable but not really understand what was going on. I flipped one desk, switching everything to the opposite side. I did the classic move of turning diplomas and calendars upside down. I set one attorney's clock ten minutes fast so she was staring at it all morning thinking she was running late. I switched everyone's kid photos around, and included the photos of the attorney who treats his pet parrots like children. I raised and lowered seat chairs, switched bulletins boards and shifted everything on one of the partner's desks six inches to the left to see if it would mess him up for the day.

I was smoked out by the clock attorney, who is a good friend and appreciated the sick sense of humor behind switching photos of people's children to see if they'd notice.

The attorney next door politely requested his intercom button back on several occasions today. I told him we'd have to see how his use of the button declined. I really have no intention of giving it back to him before I quit and in fact do not even have it in my possession. This attorney's office is such a disaster that I could have hid it in a thousand places and he never would have found it. I chose to tape it at eye level to the back side of this palm tree he has growing in his office (yes, he has a palm tree in his office, along with four other tree-like plants.) I told the office manager where it was in case she decides she decides to tell him after I leave.

I hope I gave enough context so the readers out there can grasp how truly funny this was. I think the carefully printed "DO NOT USE" at least stunned him into temporary silence this morning. Totally worth it.

4 comments:

Achilles said...

hey, did u really do all those things in office?? :) . And did poeple notice whose kids photos you switched? And was all this done on April Fool's day :)

Chris said...

Just found your blog. I'm in at Georgetown for this Fall as well, so looks like we'll be classmates. I didn't do quite as well on the GMAT (720), but still managed to get some money (although not a full ride). Maybe I should have retaken it, as I was testing in the 760/770 range, but was told that would just be overkill if I was above 700!

Anyway, did you attend the event on the 29th, or are you going to the one on April 20th? I'm a DC local, so it's easy for me to stop by, but I'm still looking forward to it!

HairTwirler said...

achilles- I did do all of those things to the office for April Fool's Day and amusingly the attorney whose diplomas I turned upside down noticed the different photos first.

chris- I am going to the April 20th event, only for the Friday events. I grew up in the DC burbs so I don't need the bus tour of the city or anything that's going on Saturday. :)

asiangal said...

The key to success is a good handshake ... and apparently in your office a good sense of humor as well. =)